Memorial Day......

To ALL the people that are no longer here & the loved ones they left behind.....

God Bless you ALL on this Memorial Day & may you ALL remember the "GOOD TIMES" as you listen to the "link" below!!!!!

Tears In Heaven By "Eric Clapton"

You Didn't Break Me (meaning Life Happened situations)

Hmmmmm……..Thoughts have raced through my head for years on end now knowing all along if I would just write it out I "ALWAYS" feel better which leads to processing which then leads to FORGIVENESS & ultimately LETTING GO & MOVING ON.  So here I am….finally choosing to sit down (again) out here on my patio looking & listening to the beauty & sound of a simple yet profound waterfall watching as the water rushes over the boulders down to the river rock where it gently swims into a clear, calm & welcoming pond as it teaches me to just “be still, be quiet and listen”….. I wish everyday could be this serene & simple but “nope” not my life.  I am certain I was destined to write even if I am the only one it helps, it’s worth it, because today “I am important to myself, I am valuable”.  What a concept 

Choices, Smoices……........

Do you ever get tired of all the new cliches that come out year after year & wonder if anyone ever really lives up to those positive statements vs. just being part of the “new word, one liner or latest fad sayings”? They sound intelligent, sometimes profound & they do make one think but hellloooooooo…..try living up to them, it’s a lot of work!  Oh yes, we can all do it for awhile but bottom line is we are humans & being human makes us less than perfect….ugh!  Even though at times they irritate me, I would be six feet under without them.  When “Life Happens”, shows up & slaps me in the face they somehow get me through one more day & give me a reason to believe again.  I will NEVER stop trying to live up to them because as “cliche” as those positive statements might be, they have made me a better person & I like that about myself as well as they have assisted in keeping me alive & they continue to give me HOPE!!!!

We all get to choose whether we like or don’t like a person, place, thing or situation & if we find ourselves not liking something then we get to choose something different….hah!!!!  Dang I wished I would have known that when I was 4 years old & my mother was covering my face with a pillow in her first of many attempts to kill me, I would have called Child Protective Services…oh wait, we didn’t have that service back then.  In fact I am not even sure we had a phone.  But what we did have was the “elephant in the living room” that’s the decade I came from.  Now you can clearly see we don’t always get to choose.  At four years old you can’t even begin to relate to that kind of thinking, more or less know there was something else to choose from or something I could do about it!.

The “GIFT” that type of abuse gave me is:  I am a "SURVIVOR NOT A VICTIM" & I thank GOD for that everyday although at times it has felt like being a survivor can be a curse as well.  Life happens sometimes & I don’t like it & there is absolutely nothing I can do about it except accept it, (wow, try saying that 3 times real fast…whewww) learn from it, heal, forgive & move on. 

I remember the night when my little brother took his life & I got the call, I had just come out of the movie theater with a friend.  We had gone to see the movie “He’s Just Not That In to You”.  It was funny, uplifting & I could see myself in the movie but that’s a whole other chapter in my life…LOL   An annoying “restricted” call kept appearing on my caller ID, how dare them not leave a message...LOL.  By the way, years ago we would have just answered the phone because it was ringing.  Not these days, one has to expose themselves & darn near get naked to get someone to answer your call…anyway I finally answered,  it was a Homicide Detective.  She had found my brother dead in a hotel room of an apparent suicide…..what the &%$#!!!!!  I remember screaming: “Oh God no”…..The INSTANT physical & emotional pain in my body was so overwhelming, I could not breathe & I thought I was going to die!  I was momentarily emotionally & physically paralyzed.  My brother didn’t give me a choice, he just made his & left me & everyone that loved him to “just deal with it”.  What was he thinking????  I will never know, but what I do know is: He came from the same mother I did, who by the way was diagnosed twice as a Paranoid Schizophrenic with Multiple Personality Disorder!  Life at home was never boring & it might explain her sudden need to try to kill me at the age of four…..yah think???  The "family secret" was not revealed to me until I was 28.  Think of all the years I spent trying to figure out what it was about me or what was wrong with me & why she felt the need to kill me. Why she didn’t love me & why she hated me so much.  Wouldn’t it have been simpler for my father to just “tell the truth” about her illness vs. keeping the family secret?  Instead he kept locking her up in mental institutions for long periods at a time until she was well medicated also known as the Thorazine Shuffle…..What for???  So she could come back home & do it all again.  I suppose looking back at the generation he came from he did the best he could with what he had.

My brother unfortunately was dealt her illness although much milder & mixed with Crystal Meth, he didn’t stand a chance.  I made it my life’s mission to always be there for my brother to help him fight the “demons” in his head as he would call them & to call on God to PLEASE heal him.  The Demon’s won….My brother is gone :(  Maybe he would still be alive if the truth had been told so long ago, maybe not.  Bottom line is I will NEVER know.  My father stood by my mother through ALL the evil & horrible things she & her personalities did to him, me, my siblings, extended family & pretty much anyone who came into their life.  I used to think it was noble & old school marriage so to speak, now I know there is nothing noble about it.  He became as sick as her which is very sad.  That old saying: You are who you hang out with….It's "VERY TRUE”! 

I will never forget the night I called my father to tell him my brother/his son was gone….He hung up on me (FYI: I was not allowed to call there, one of my mother’s personalities didn't allow it) of course I called back & said: “Daddy, it’s me don’t hang up”.  There was a moment of silence that felt like an eternity to me, then I told him my brother/his son was gone & what had happened.  He told me to never call there again & hung up.  He denied him in his life & even in his death.  Talk about a “train wreck”, that was what was happening to me inside.  A train wreck of emotions colliding everywhere & I quickly started falling apart all over again……thank God, I was NOT alone that night!

It’s hard to believe it’s been over two years since my brother took his own life.  Although I miss him dearly, I have finally come to terms with his choices & I truly understand why he did what he did….Doesn’t mean I like his choices but I do understand. 

My brother made his choices, my parents made theirs just as I have made mine & you will make yours....It’s just what we do!

The card’s I was dealt at birth were not all bad after all “I was given life”!  I am living proof that in spite of an absolutely let’s say: Less than favorable childhood, I turned out really great at least that’s what I have been told & today, I actually agree.  I am alive in spite of circumstances that I had “NO CONTROL” over.  I have had an awesome adult life & I am forever grateful for all the growth the pains of  life have dealt me, the people who came into my life over the years that taught me how to deal with them in a healthy way, all the chances I took & all the “choices” I’ve made……

I believe we are all as "sick as our secrets" and the TRUTH really does set one free!!!  Forgiveness is non-negotiable at least for me.  On another note although  it is important for me to forgive in order to heal, move on & let go as I mentioned before, it DOESN'T mean I have to let you back in....That took me a VERY long time to figure out :)  We can pick pick our friends but we can't pick our family.  I am capable of  loving people that have brought harm to me from a very safe distance & continue to have NO aught against them & pray good things for them....That in its self feels REALLY great & is a MIRACLE in my book :)

In closing:

My version of the Serenity Prayer.....

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (people, places & things)

The courage to change the things I can (me & my attitude towards them)

And the wisdom to know the difference......Amen :)

Disclaimer:  My personal experiences are a direct reflection of my life as I perceived it.  Considering I am the one who lived it & experienced these “Life Happened” situations & the feelings that came with them as a direct result of the insanity I was raised in, I’m pretty sure that qualifies me to write about them.  Remember: These are “my feelings” they are not right or wrong, they just are & their mine.  You do not have to like them nor do you have to agree with them……It’s OK ;)

For Your Information:

This page is dedicated to finding the GOOD in the bad that happens to ALL of us from time to time as we go through this thing called "LIFE".  This is a SOLUTION'S page NOT a focus on the problems page, so keep that in mind if you choose to share what happened to you, how you GREW from it & became a BETTER person as a direct result of the situations that came down" unexpectedly" in your life.
 
NO personal attacks nor swearing will be allowed on this Blog! 

Disclaimer:  There are NO counselor's available nor am I or anyone on this Blog qualified to act as a counselor at any time!!!!!  If you need counseling please contact a QUALIFIED person/person's in your immediate area for help or if it is an emergency please call: 911.

Ten things to make a POSITIVE difference in your life starting today :)

Do you ever feel stuck?  Has the pain; whether emotionally or physically ever been so great you have no idea how to even put one foot in front of the other much less get through the day without falling apart?

So much has happened & you are FAR from centered....In fact, your down right LOST as you struggle to find that "HaPpY" place again in the midst of all the recent adversity that has dropped into your lap & life.....There are a few things that work for me & help me get back on track....Of course one has to actually do them to experience the results...NOT an easy task.....TRUST ME, I KNOW.....

1.  STOP watching the news, it is full of negativity...Pick & choose....you ARE what you put into your head.

2.  PRAY even if you don't believe in prayer, do it anyway....God's ALWAYS listening!

3.  COLLECT Positive thoughts & post them around your home, in your car, at work & read them DAILY... you will be surprised how powerful they are.

4.  CALL a friend & ask "how are you"...This call NEEDS to be ALL ABOUT THEM :)

5.  DO NOT ISOLATE----Get OUT of your house!

6.  MAKE a list of TEN things you're GRATEFUL for & they CANNOT be anything monetary----Hah!!!!

7.  DO something nice for someone today ANONYMOUSLY----You cannot take any credit!   

8.  BE STILL, BE QUIET & LISTEN-----Not as easy as it sounds but very calming ;)

9.  WRITE it out, whatever it is....So much more comes out on paper & share it with someone you TRUST!

10.  FORGIVE---It might not happen right away but it MUST happen in order to heal & move forward in your own life.

I like everyone else in this "Crazy World" of ours has had "Life Happen" and wonder how the heck will I make it through what feels like a nightmare at that very given moment it all takes place & we feel our lives are falling apart-----NOW WHAT?

My hope is TOGETHER we can all share, find the solutions, laugh a little, cry a little & just become better people due to the unforeseen events that show up and slap us in the face when we least expect it....

There are too many "negative people" in this world....It's time to GIVE & share HOPE even when we think we have nothing to share....We do :)  If we just look for it, we will ALWAYS find something good in something bad!  I am NOT saying it will be easy but it IS possible to "find the good" in EVERYTHING if we HEAL & look hard enough, it will ALWAYS appear!!!!!!!.

Trust me when I say: Someone else NEEDS to hear what you have gone through & survived so they too may have HOPE of a better tomorrow!!!!!!!